Thursday, December 23, 2010

Lizzy is 2!

So, blogger is a bit different and all these pictures are in here backwards from what I thought I was putting them in.  Oh well! 

This picture is of me with an inside view to the undecorated birthday cake.  It made some people sad that I didn't decorate it. 
 The birthday girl with her cake. We let Logan blow out the candle.  This must be his post blowing out the candle face. The kid makes a lot of weird faces. Just keep scrolling down to see what I mean.
 Still missing three cake pans needed for the cake!
 Family picture!
 The birthday girl and her crooked smile.
 Scoping out our plan of attack on the slide.
 Super steep slide for a little girl. She crash landed at the bottom, but got up with a smile!
 The ascent. I told you the pictures are in backwards.
 Lizzy posing (crooked smile and all) on her "new" used rocking horse. She LOVES it and will shove you off if you get on it.  Logan has already incurred her wrath.
 Crooked smile again. She's opening her glow worm, and Logan is holding her parrot flash light. The flash light was from grandma and it has been a very loved toy already.  Lizzy also got some pajamas and hair clips from her other grandma, and a new Christmas dress.
 Weird face by Logan again. I picked Logan up from pre-school (with Lizzy in tow) and had James set out the birthday presents while we were gone. These were the looks on their faces when they came in the house and saw the presents.
 My pretty princess in her new dress. Isn't she a doll?
Our little Lizabef sure keeps us entertained. She's got James wrapped around her finger. She learns new words every day, but once she learns them, they are not used with patience. As soon as she figured out the word "drink", she'll stand in front of the fridge and scream it at us until we get her some milk.  She loves to get dressed every day, and she really loves taking all of my shoes out of the closet and wearing them around.  Whenever her hair is done, I'll give it a quick spritz with hair spray, and she'll grin really big, admiring herself in the mirror while I do that.

Lizzy is a thumb sucker. Of the worst kind. I kind of think it's cute, because it makes her seem like she is still my baby, but James hates it, so we've gone to extreme measures to stop it. She seemed to like the taste of hot sauce. The special, no sucking your thumb, nail polish had no effect (but it worked on Logan!).  We've duct taped her thumbs, but she either just pulls it off (how?!) or she just sucks her thumb with the duct tape on it. We've just stayed on top of the situation, constantly telling her to take it out, or taking it out for her. Through this all, we've discovered that she is a very determined child, and will probably always get what she wants because she won't have it any other way.

Lizzy loves books, and to be sung to. She loves to give hugs and to be held. She is a very loving child. Every night after our bedtime routine, she squeals with delight as she runs down the hall to her room. She'll jump in bed and then insist on giving her daddy a million and one hugs. (She loves this routine so much, that she refuses to let me be the one put her to bed. Daddy needs to do it.) She cries every night when daddy ends the hugging, and turns out the light.

At Lizzy's 18 month appointment, she gave the doctor a good demonstration of her fit throwing skills. He calmly commented that it looked like she had entered "the terrible two's" a little early. It's was a "good sign" that she will come out of them earlier than most kids. I'm looking forward to that day.  Lizzy is all drama; screaming at you if you look at her wrong. Really. This is most frustrating with Logan because he likes to look at her wrong a lot. He loves the screaming.

Lizzy is developing the way a normal, healthy two year old should. The only thing she is lacking is all of her teeth. She is still missing 4 teeth that she should have had a year ago, so to even consider her having her 2 year old molars is just laughable. We don't know when she'll get the rest of her teeth, but she doesn't seem to need them. She has always had an insatiable appetite, especially for apples, clementines, grapes, and tomatoes.

We love our little girl, and we feel so blessed to have had the last two years with her. We look forward to watching her grow up and become the strong, self confident woman we know she will be. Happy Birthday to my Lizzy Girl!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Strange Anxiety

I woke up this morning remembering my dream, and realized that it was a common themed dream I've been having lately. Not the same dream, just the same theme. I wish I knew what it meant.

In my dream I was in high school, but with all the same demands of my adult life. It was a Tuesday, and I came upon a huge group of my friends from band class. Seeing them triggered a memory that Candlelight was the next two nights. (Candlelight is a huge musical production that my high school puts on every year at Christmas time. It's a very big deal.) I ran up to my friend, Andrea, and double checked with her that Candlelight was indeed the next two nights. She confirmed that it was. I became very agitated because I had other obligations those two nights (my real life adult responsibilities). I knew that if I missed the concert both nights I would get a failing grade in band. And that's just lame. Who fails band? Anyway, I woke up shortly after that.

My other dreams consist of me going to band class and not being able to find my trumpet, or my music. Or there will be other concerts that are going to be in the next couple of days, but I'm worried because I know I haven't practiced, or gone to band class at all, for that matter.

It's seriously ridiculous the amount of times I've had dreams like this. I'm not sure where they stem from either. I'm sure it says something about my regular anxiety levels of feeling prepared for things... but I don't really know.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Facebook Friend

I'll admit that I'm not a great friend, I guess you could just call me a "facebook friend". Always around, but not really there. I've always tried to blame it on the fact that we moved around a lot when I was a kid, so I never got to keep the same friends for more than a few years. I had one friend from 5th grade, Shannon, that tried hard to keep in touch with me. It was my fault that we no longer really communicate. And I deeply regret that, for I had in her, truly a best friend that I lost. (Although, I did find her on facebook, yay!)

Ok, so the point I'm trying to get at: is my excuse is really just an excuse? My sister, only two years older than me, is a great friend to all her past friends from every place we've lived. She has made their friendship her priority. So what is wrong with me? I'm such a bad friend that I have told friends that after we or they move, I probably won't do a good job of staying up to date with them.

I'm a bad friend to any friend I used to have but no longer see. I'm sorry.

Change of subject, but it'll all loop back around, I promise.

Last night James and I were talking about how he would get into fist fights as a kid. The person he got into the most fist fights with was his best friend! I couldn't understand this. Not for the life of me. Why would two people who claim to be best friends, want to hit each other? I went to sleep perplexed. In the morning, I reread something my friend from high school (yep, still my friend!) wrote about me on facebook. It's one of those things where I had to hit "like" in order for her to answer a bunch of questions about me. Here it is:

@ Alicia 1- I've gotten to see all of your fabulous cakes when you post them on your facebook 2- You used to be red, but now you are lilac 3- My first memory of you was at church when we were Beehives, and I remember the first time you cal...led my Aunt Marnee, "Aunt Marnee" because you thought it was just a token title - you didn't know she was actually my aunt 4- You are a Dog, and I mean that in the very best way - you are dependable and loyal through and through 5- I've always wondered how I stack up against all of the new friends you have in your ward 6- My favorite thing about you is that no matter how long it's been since I've talked to you, I can call you and it feels like I can still say anything 7- My first impression of you was that you were pretty and you were competition and that you must be eliminated. ;-)

Did you see #5? Go back and read it again. I think I know why Jill wonders how she stacks up against all of my new friends. You see, every week I write an email that tells about my week. I send it to my whole family, and to two very good friends. Jill and Carlee. I don't ever spend time with Jill or Carlee, or talk to them on a regular basis, but I do spend time with other friends and I write about it in my email. #5 made me ponder how Jill does stack up against my other friends. And this is what I came to realize:

Jill and I used to fight. A lot. If girls were the type to get into fist fights, we both would have had some bruised eyes and broken noses. (Instead, girls fight with words.) But I know Jill and I will always be friends, because, well, we just will. We made a pinky promise to be neighbors in heaven, and that kind of promise doesn't just go away. Jill and I may not speak on a regular basis, but somehow our friendship became more solidified than any other.

I have to take a quick second to mention that the same goes for my friend Carlee. We've just been through too much with each other. I actually think we did hit each other a few times. :)

Is it the fighting with each other that marks the sign of a lasting friendship? I hope not. Because I have some great friends right now that I have never wanted to hit. I still doubt myself that I will be capable of keeping up with them if one or the other of us ever moves. But, I'd like to think that I'm growing up and can be more capable of being a good friend.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

My Daddy

I miss my dad. He died over three years ago, and I regret a lot things about not having him around anymore. My regrets mostly revolve around the fact that I don't have any good pictures of him. Theses two are pretty much the best ones I've got.

I like the above picture because I think James is A LOT like my dad. I guess I should ask my mom if she feels that way too. They also have birthday's one day apart. Hence they are both blowing out the candles. I like that I have a picture with both of them together.

You can tell in the one below how sick he was near the end. He passed just 6 months after this picture was taken. This was on my mom's birthday. As an interesting side note, I made both of the cakes. This was a time before my cake decorating fetish. But I had my fetish for eating good cake. :)
Another regret I have is not taking more advantage of the time I had with him, to ask him stories about himself etc. He loved to answer any questions, about anything, we ever had. That made him a great dad.
Anyway, like I said, he's been gone for over three years and I miss him. However, Heavenly Father blessed me with one of His tender mercies. About a year ago I pulled a random book off a shelf at my mom's house. (I don't remember what the book was.) But inside the book was a folded up piece of paper. Just at first glance it looks like a typed up letter and almost immediately I saw at the bottom of the page it said "written by Ronald E. Ward". That's my dad. My curiosity was piqued. I hurried to read what the letter said and was extremely surprised and touched by what I read.
May 29, 2002
When you start getting older there is a lot that can make you feel bad. You can't do half the things you used to do. You're no longer interested in most of the things that used to be entertaining. You can't remember things. It takes you twice as long to do basic chores. Your body aches when you want to lie down and rest.
There are so many things to make you feel bad that it's a very good thing to have your tail-end, last child be a happy, caring daughter. When my energy level would take me no further than the garage to play with some old worn out cars, Alicia was very supportive and even wanted to drive them for me.
Alicia has always been happy - and patient, with her elderly parents. I know she felt cheated to be raised by grandparents - who just happen to be her parents! but she has managed it well. When there are so many children in the family, someone has to be raised by old people.
Alicia has faced other challenges as well, and has been tenacious in holding out for what she thinks is best. Some of you may have heard us call her by her favorite nickname: "Jaws". She got that name by biting the side out of a glass cup when she was only about 3 years old. I think the milk wasn't coming out fast enough. We continued using the name, and she has been like a shark in going for things that are important to her. One challenge has been her position as child number 8, behind 7 strong, successful siblings. I know she has felt intimidated by them some times, but she has been "shark like" in establishing her self as a very talented and successful young lady. She has made the most of her situation and opportunities. (Here he hand wrote a note: trumpet, piano, singing.)
As a pre-schooler, she was once delivered to her school on a day when there was no class. When we realized the mistake and went to look for her, we found she was having a grand time just playing around the class room, making the most of her situation.
She is still like that. She can size up a situation and see what good can come from it, making that her focus.
She certainly deserves the Young Womanhood Recognition award. I know this is just the beginning of many notable accomplishments that will follow in her life.
written by Ronald E. Ward
I have zero memory of my dad reading this when I accepted my Young Womanhood Recognition award. And why it was stuck is some book is a mystery to me. But, now I have it and it is a treasure.
I miss you dad, but thank you for leaving me this small piece of you that lets me know that you are proud of me. I hope that I can always make you proud. Love you.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Happy Birthday Mary!

It's not really her birthday yet, but I got to celebrate with her tonight. I don't normally bake birthday cakes for all my friends, but I got an idea for this cake and it reminded me a lot of my friend Mary, so I had to make it for her.

This picture confused James. We are not technologically savvy, so he didn't realize that Mary was actually taking a picture. He thought she was just on her phone. :)
A close up.

I had some good fun with this cake. I normally don't have so much creative release on a cake. Of course I see all the flaws on it, but for the most part, I am happy. I think the thing that made me happiest about this cake was that I got to paint it. I'm no artist, but I can handle painting in the lines, so to speak. Ok, ok I'm done talking about it. I hope you all like it to!

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Pumpkin, Meet Saw.

We had a fun Halloween this year. Logan was super shy when it came to trick or treating, but he was so excited that it was finally Halloween! He helped us carve pumpkins... kind of. James has gotten it in his head that he can no longer carve pumpkins the normal way. He needs to use his saw. He literally didn't use a knife once!
Lizzy was a witch (no costume change needed, but we put her in a dress and put a pointy hat on her head anyway) and Logan was Buzz.
I needed a picture of these two together. The unstoppable duo of Buzz Lightyear and Sheriff Woody! Woody is really Logan's favorite friend, Coleman.
The video is a small glimpse of James feeling all manly.
One of Jame's cousins commented that he doesn't understand why James is so dang skinny, what with all my baking going on. I wish I had the answer, but honestly, I'm trying to fatten him up!
I have a brother that is even skinner than James is. Years ago, my brother and I made a bet. I win the bet when my brother is 70 and he has a gut. I lose if he is still as skinny as ever. There is money on the line, so every time I see him, I offer him as much junk food as I can. It still hasn't made a dent in that belly of his. Oh well.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Thursday, October 28, 2010


I wish I could share my story in it's entirity, but that would be totoally innapropriate. I just want to say that service is more important than any of us have any grasp of.

I was feeling down on myself yesterday, for what I knew to be very selfish reasons. At one point during the day I did something that needed to be done. What I didn't realize is that my actions were an act of service for more than one person. The thanks and gratitude I received lifted my spirits more than anything else in the world could have. Moral of the story? Serving others makes you happy.

Christ's life was one of service. I hope that I can make my life more like his.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010


Did he scare you?

I love this season for so many reasons! One of them is the infinite amount of fun, festive treats I could bake! Unfortunately, my sugar supply is feeling low, so I haven't made as many fun treats as I would have liked to this October. I do have one more up my sleeve, so stay tuned.

If you're curious about my little ghosts, they are cooked meringue. (It took 2 1/2 hours to slow cook these babies!) After their stint in the sauna, I dipped them in chocolate and toasted coconut. Despite the long time to cook, they were super easy. Fool proof. And, my kids love them! Too bad I didn't make them for the kids. :) Oh well.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Making an Effort

It always makes me sad when I don't have somebodies blog to read. It seems to me that all of my friends are on similar blogging schedules, so I have 5 new updates to read one day, and then nothing for a week. Maybe I'm just too nosey, but I really do love reading people's blogs. So, I can't very well be sad when I haven't blogged lately, can I? I have no new funny stories to share, but I do have cute pictures of my kids!

We spend a lot of Saturdays at my mom's house, and all of these were taken there, two weeks ago.
Lizzy and Logan always get ice cream at Grandma's house. And apparently spaghetti sauce stains too.
Logan took this picture of me. I guess that's what I look like from his perspective.

I took this while balancing precariously on the swing and Lizzy on my lap. I've been looking at baby pictures of myself lately, and shockingly enough, my nose used to look like Lizzy's! I guess I've turned into more of a witch since then.

Always a must activity at Grandma's house: reading books. This particular book is of the prophets. Logan likes naming all the different prophets. James wants Logan to memorize the presidents of the United States next.

My cute angel!

Just kickin' it on the swings.

To my knowledge, this is the first time Logan has ever climbed a tree, so I had to document it!

Grandma is giving Logan a ride on the swings. I'm quite certain this wasn't comfortable for her. She just loves Logan that much.
Hopefully I'll have better anecdotes for you in the near future. In the mean time, settle with this. :)
p.s These picture are really making me miss the warm weather.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

End in Sight

Our prophets have been counseling for a long time to get our food storage in order. We'll be the first to admit that we've been slow to get started. But, this year is different for us. We had already decided that we wanted to spend our Christmas money (we have generous parents) on food storage. Not even a month later, James' mom gave each of her kids their Christmas early. Money to spend ONLY on food storage. She even made little notebooks for each of our families that says how much we need to buy of everything. Very nice. We've taken inventory on everything we have, and we're proud to have a whole year on some things, 6 months on many things, and only 3 months on just a few things.
Logan is showing off all the food we bought with our Christmas money.

All of this food storage talk got me thinking one night. I told James that while the thought of Christs' return to the earth is very exciting, quite frankly, I'm scared to have to live through all of the turmoil that has been prophesied. Through the course of our discussion, we decided that, while James would rather be here for the second coming, he'll be in heaven with me when the time comes if that's what I would prefer. But, we still don't want to miss the big event! So, I'll be either one of the trumpet playing angels, or one of the singing ones. (I still can't decide.) And James will be charging forward, valiantly (and oh so handsomely) with sword in one hand, and the title of liberty in the other hand.

Tell me, do all married couples have discussions like this?

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Friday, September 24, 2010

Our House

I have a hard time falling asleep almost every single night, because I can't seem to turn my brain off. Last night my brain was obsessing about our house and how much work we've put into it to make it ours. Of course I've put these pictures in backwards, but you can deal with it, because it's my blog, and I screwed up. :) The latest project we finished was our garden.
This is only a partial view of this section of our yard. When we bought the house, this was all grass, but it didn't have a sprinkler system in it, and I figured it would serve it's purpose better as our garden. We dug up all the grass the first year we lived here and planted our garden in that horrible dirt. We've since put in all this bark and the raised beds. James also added an ingenious sprinkler system to that side of our yard.
Before the garden was the extra room in our house! When we bought the house, it was only a three bedroom house. It become increasingly clear to us that we are going to be in this house a long time, so James became more and more obsessed with the idea that he could build an extra bedroom, from nothing, above our living room. I'm so glad he did because we love our play room with the huge walk in closet!

About a year before we built the room, we remodeled our entertainment center unit thingy. This is the "after" shot.
This is the before.
A nice improvement, don't you think?

Putting the tile in our house was one of our very first projects. Oddly enough, this is the one that James was the most scared of. There was carpet under our dinner table, and that just did not jive with me. We ripped out all the linoleum in the house, and part of the carpet, and put in this tile.
Aside from these obvious projects, we also replaced the carpet in the whole house, put a ladder up into our attic and put down boards to walk on and store all of our "junk", we put hardware on all of our cabinets, and we painted, of course.

Of course, painting this whole wall was later a waste since this is where the new room went. But it was our first painting project in the house, and we were proud of it.
You can tell that we've put a lot of energy into making our house, OUR house. We've really enjoyed all of it. I often joke about hating our house because it's a measly 1500 square feet, we owe about $40,000 more on it than we bought it for (due to the tanking economy, not our own stupidity(though that is arguable)) and we hate the HOA that is tied in with living here. But, I got a wake up call a couple of days ago.
James and I are forging forward into an investment venture. It involved meeting with a financial guru, of sorts, to give us some advice on how to get started. He laid out two different plans for us and the first one involved us renting out our house. I've always thought that I would like to move into a bigger house, with no HOA, but when he suggested that we move, I immediately knew this was not an option. I love our house and cannot foresee any immediate plans to move out of it. I think we'll make it work for us as long as we possibly can.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Bake Sale!

There is a charity yard and bake sale happening in my neighboring neighborhood on Saturday. I heard the words "bake sale" and my brain took off, thinking of all the wonderful things I could bake! I also had to try and figure out what I should bake that would make the most money. This is to help someone out, after all. :) I hope I made the right choices. Today I made these cupcake pops!

I told James to take my picture with all of my hard work. We have hardly any pictures off me, and my argument was that when I die young, the kids won't have any pictures of me to look at and remember me by. My argument didn't work, because he didn't pick up the camera. I had to take this picture myself. I guess that makes me full of myself. Oh well.
I also baked 3 red velvet cakes on Monday. They are in the freezer for now, and actually only 2 of them will make it to the bake sale. I gave the other one to James' boss. That's a whole other story, but I'll just say that his boss deserves more than a measly cake.
Tomorrow I will bake miniature lemon cupcakes. Let me assure you that these are little bites of heaven. I was going to bake more, but I was surprised to see how many people signed up to bake stuff, so I eliminated the pumpkin rolls and caramels from my list. I'm sure James is grateful. He usually cleans up after me in the kitchen, after all.
I hope I've caught some of your taste buds attention and maybe I'll see some of you at the yard/bake sale on Saturday! If you want to come and you don't know where it is, shoot me an email and I'll fill you in.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Trying It Out

I'm stealing an idea from my good friend. She recently posted on her blog a list of her 10 favorite things in that moment. So, when the mood strikes me, I may do this randomly, and, hopefully, my lists will differ. We'll see. :) Oh, and there is no order to this. Just what comes to mind.

1. My children laughing. James knows I enjoy this so he recorded them laughing and put it as my ring tone.
2. Cream cheese brownies. It's actually ridiculous that I would limit this to just cream cheese brownies, but in order to keep this list more interesting, I'll limit the baked goods to this one item.
3. House. I'm in the middle of season 4 and I'm addicted to it.
4. Seeing James the first second he gets home from work. Having him home brings a sense of completeness to the day.
5. McDonald's double cheeseburgers. I've been in love with the 5th day James and I were married.
6.Great friends and family members who do favors for me because they love me. They are indispensable and I don't know what I've done to earn those great relationships.
7.My bed. I LOVE our bed. It's big, it's comfortable, and it welcomes me each night with it's loving, metaphorical, arms. I'm not sure why we aren't allowed to sleep for 12 hours each night. Oh well.
8. Going out to eat, because I really don't enjoy cooking dinner. I'll make cake or cookies at the drop of a hat, but dinner is not something I enjoy making.
9. A clean house. Because, you know, that only lasts for about 5 seconds, so I enjoy it while I can.
10. Toes. I really love looking at and playing with Logan and Lizzy's toes. I know most people can't stand feet, but I'm a foot person. I guess.

Monday, September 13, 2010

I Love You

She poops every day and makes me change it, she makes me feed her 10 times a day, I wipe her snotty nose every five minutes, she makes messes with everything she touches, she screams every time she wants something, somebody was mean to her, and just because she feels like it. She can do all of these things every day if she wants to and I won't care...too much.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Brave Kid, Scared Kid

You can figure out which one is which on your own.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

The Prophets

Logan knows his prophets. Don't believe me?

Maybe it's not really so cool, but we think it is.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

The Dreaded Saturday

Cute kid, huh? That's lotion all over her. She likes to eat it. I try not to let her, but sometimes, she's just really sneaky.

I don't like Saturdays. Not at all. James has to work on Saturdays. It should be just like any other day he goes to work, but it feels different somehow. I know that all of my friends are off playing with their families and I'm stuck at home alone with the kids. Even this isn't really different than most days, but it's the idea of knowing that if I wanted to do something with somebody else, I probably couldn't. Also, James doesn't have any form of a Saturday at all. For the last 5-6 months he's been working required over time. That means his only day off is Sunday, and even then he's had to work on a few of them in the last 5 months. At least Sunday is a day of rest. Ha!

You may be wondering, at this point, why I'm sharing all this. It's because today is a Saturday and I'm bored at home. I've already vacuumed the whole house and washed the walls and base boards and read stories to the kids. Now I'm just tired and bored. :) So, because of my boredom, I decided to look up the pictures I haven't shared with you yet. Here they are!

We went to Rupert a few weeks ago for our own mini Mickelsen Family reunion. I didn't take many pictures this time. Actually, I just took one picture. This one!

This is James with his brother Matt. We were out on the boat as much as time with family and the weather allowed. It was a fun visit!

These next two pictures are of Logan and his friend Coleman. The other day when they were playing, Coleman told Logan that they should climb on these shelves and go to sleep. I thought it made a cute photo op. I especially liked the Coleman used Lizzy's baby doll as a pillow. I guess he knows what they're good for.

Then they had to switch places. Notice how they're dressed alike? That happens more often than not, coincidentally. In fact they have a lot of the same clothes. His mom and I must shop at the same stores!

Lastly, a cute picture of Lizzy. See the big bruise on her head? I have no idea how she got it. In fact, I didn't even notice it until her bath that night. She normally sports some pretty cute bangs, so they were covering up the bruise until I washed her hair. Poor thing.

I guess I'll go eat lunch now. :)

Thursday, August 12, 2010


for me is talking about things till I'm beating a dead horse. James, of course, has never complained, but I know that's how I handle things and he tolerates it well enough. My shock with that, is that he talks about NOTHING! Yet, here I am, willing to talk about the same thing for about 5 days straight, analyzing every angle, making sure I've missed no thought. I've tried really hard not to "over talk" our recent situation, but to help ensure that I don't, I thought I would torture all of my avid readers with it. That thought makes me smile, literally. Stop reading if you don't want to be bored to death.

To really make this therapeutic, I have to go back 5 years ago, to when James and I first started trying to get pregnant. We'd been married for a couple of years, and the pregnancy bug was biting hard. I had resisted it for as long as I could so that I could safely finish getting my bachelors degree without being weighed down with the responsibility of a child. I'd seen too many women give in to their natural need to take care of their kids and drop out of school. I needed both things in my life, so I made the sacrifice. It was totally a personal decision, I don't look down on anybody who made the opposite decision I did. Because, it's personal.

The time had come to get pregnant. I was thrilled to see a positive test after the first month of trying. I was not so thrilled when only 1 week later I miscarried that baby. Not even two months later I got another positive read on a pregnancy test. 2 weeks later came the bitter disappointment. I went to the doctor (finally) for some testing. The doctor declared that there seemed to be nothing wrong with me and chances were the next pregnancy would stick. And stick it did! The very next month I was pregnant for the third time.

What follows was a mom (me) trying to figure out the complexities of a baby. It was difficult, but living with my mom and dad sure made things easier. My mom would take Logan after his morning feeding so that I could get another hour of sleep. Sometimes I'd come upstairs to see my mom and dad both looking and fussing over Logan. My dad was fond of calling him "fat boy" because he had a very chunky face. Good memories. However, taking care of a baby was still a hard transition for me and when it came time to get pregnant again I was very apprehensive, but I knew I should do it. There was no point in putting off more kids simply because I was scared. Once again, we got pregnant the first month we tried. I wish I could say I was excited, but really, I was just really scared.

Lizzy was born and I realized something. I had grown up. This time around, I didn't need help! I knew what to do and it came easily to me. Sure, there were sleepless nights and I was definitely frazzled by that, but a good husband is priceless in those situations. I felt very comfortable in my roll as a mother, and before Lizzy was even 9 months old I was itching to get pregnant again. Somehow I managed to resist until there would be at least 2 years between Lizzy and the new baby.

Fast forward to 3-4 months ago. We tried to get pregnant again. I wish I knew for sure if I had gotten pregnant that month, but I have no test to show for it, just the firm knowledge that I was a solid three days late. I'm a 28 day kind of gal, so on the third late day I took a test. It showed up negative. I was absolutely stunned and unbelieving. If only I had waited another hour, because that's all it took to be sure I was not pregnant.

Fast forward one more month, I'm pregnant, for sure! I let James be the one to read the test before I could. That made him happy to know I was pregnant before I did. :) This pregnancy was great. I hardly felt sick at all, except for moments in the evening where if you looked at me wrong I was sure I might throw up in your face, but nothing extreme. ;) I finally made my doctor's appointment, that for whatever reason I had really procrastinated in doing. I was surprised that day to be sitting in his office and realized how excited I was to finally see my baby. I tried not to let it disappoint me when the doctor couldn't find the heart beat, and was really shocked at my feelings of peace and calm when the ultra sound showed that the baby was only measuring at 8 weeks, with no heart beat, when I thought I was 10 weeks. I'd had no spotting to warn me of this news, but I still felt calm and assured that everything was fine and that this wasn't a big deal. I called James before I left to tell him the news. He was sincerely disappointed and I felt like I was "calming" him down. There wasn't much to calm however. I joke with him that his heart is dead because he seems to never show any emotion.

I went back to my Mom's house to pick up my kids, feeling calm as could be. I surprised myself a bit when I couldn't get the words out to her with out crying a little bit.

I had friends and sisters call me as soon as they heard the news. They all tried to figure out why I didn't seem too sad. The best description I can give is that I knew it could happen all over again. I'm mostly just disappointed that I was sick for no reason, that it's going to take that much longer until I have my baby, I have to go through the stupid D and C procedure, I have to do the whole planning and waiting thing to get pregnant again....etc. Those are all pretty heartless reasons, but there they are anyway.

I was very apprehensive last night and this morning in anticipation of my procedure. I was scared of all the pain, but on some level of knowing my body, I knew that the pain would be minimal. James has determined that my body has a high pain tolerance; it's my mind that has a low pain tolerance. Any time I know a needle is coming near me I start acting like a crazy person, literally. James made a joke to the nurses that I was already drugged up. They took it seriously enough that they asked if I really was. After putting the IV in, with out any drugs going through it, I commented on how funny I felt. They quickly bombarded me with an onslaught of questions, what's my name, spell it, when is your birthday, and so on. Like I said, I'm a crazy person. (I'm happy to report that I answered all their questions correctly!) The procedure when with out a hitch and the doctor reported that my bleeding will be minimal because it looked as though the baby was nearly ready to pass on it's own.

In the recovery room I broke down in tears. James asked me what I was feeling and thinking. Strangely enough I had no answer for him. I had no idea where the tears were coming from. I wasn't feeling sad, or hurt or anything. I'm thinking they were just a side affect of coming out of the anesthesia.

I'm home now. I'm trying to evaluate my thoughts and feelings now. I don't think they've changed too much, although I've been warned that they might. Again, my biggest frustration is that I have to go through it all again. Not the D and C, but the planning, trying to get pregnant, waiting to find out, feeling sick, and the anticipation of losing it. My mom had 4 miscarriages and 8 kids. I'm hoping that I've met my quota of 4 miscarriages, although I doubt I'll have the 8 kids. (Sorry mom!) But let's be real. This is my main apprehension. What if there is something wrong with my body? What if I get pregnant easily, but have a hard time staying pregnant? It's a real concern for me for more than one reason. I'm shocked by the amount of women I know who struggle to get pregnant. Some of them already have 2-3 kids, but despite their best efforts, they just can't get/stay pregnant again. It's heart breaking for them, and I have no doubt that I won't handle it well if that's the case for me. I'm meant to have more children, I feel that in my heart, so that's what keeps me calm.

My condolences to all of you who have gone through the same struggle, or worse, have never had the joy of carrying a baby. James and I have even discussed the option of my being a surrogate mother for other women once I'm done having my own children. I (deeply) want to bless the lives of other women with being able to have a child that is them and their husband's. I only hope that this can still be an option for me in the years to come. I'm sure it will, but I'm a girl and a pessimist, so let me fret over it, ok?

Thanks for letting me vent. Kudos to those who made it through all of this.

Oh, one more thing, I've been instructed to take an aspirin every day of my first trimester when I get pregnant again. I know that there have been a lot of studies trying to show if this helps women not miscarry or not. I guess the tests have proven positive! Thanks to all the women who volunteered their bodies in those tests. Yes, that means you Jocelyn. :) Thank you!

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Nothing to Share

Or so it feels. My mom has bugged me a few times that I don't update my blog enough, but really, these are the only pictures I've taken in the last month, and there's not much to them. I don't have any funny stories or crazy happenings, so this is what you get!
The kids found the goggles, and now they live in the toy basket. (The goggles, not the kids.)
Logan and Lizzy have a bad habit of taking the gas cap off the lawn mower and filling the tank up with grass, mulch, water, and other things. Despite the multiple beatings they receive, they keep doing it, so this is a picture of one of the many times James has had to fix the lawn mower. I thought it was a cute picture because Logan's got the tools in his hands too and thinks he is actually being helpful.
We had friends over for dinner and games a week ago. I made the mistake of leaving the games out overnight. The next morning, while I was taking my shower, this is what ensued. Rumikub tiles, a deck of Skip-Bo cards, and a deck of regular playing cards, all over the floor!
Lizzy has started this new thing where she "falls" off the bottom stair. As I was putting the blog post together Logan started jumping down the stairs and it occurred to me that Lizzy is probably just imitating him, but she's not coordinated enough to jump yet.

Lastly, I have to include this video because it sums up why I love James. He's a goof. I'm a little more serious, so he brings good balance to my life. He's embarrassed about this video, though I can't figure out why!

I have one more video to share, but I'll save it for another post. :)

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Feeling Tired

...because, if you'll notice my new widget, I'm pregnant! James and I are excited to welcome baby number 3 in our home some time around March 6th. For those of you trying to do the math, that means I'm a little over 8 weeks along. Did you know that your chances of miscarriage decrease to only 5% when you're 8 weeks, and down to 1% when at 12 weeks? That's exciting!

Anyway, my morning sickness has been practically non-existent, which is GREAT and unexpected, but I have been feeling the fatigue that usually accompanies pregnancy.

We originally decided that we would keep the sex of this baby a surprise, however, that has gone out the window. James so badly wants a boy, but I'm 99% sure that we have a girl on the way. For James' sake, I hope I am wrong. Anyway, now we have to find out what we're having as soon as possible. Every week James asks me how much longer until we can get that ultra-sound. Silly boy.

Well, that's the end of our exciting news. Hope you enjoyed it!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

4th of July Weekend

We spent our 4th of July weekend in Rupert, Idaho, where James grew up. These were the kind of fireworks we enjoyed, the illegal kind.
Logan sat snuggled up with his Grandma Idaho the whole time.
The rest of the pictures highlight some of Logan's favorite activities, while visiting the farm, where James grew up. Here, Logan is eagerly climbing into the tractor.

The kids are prepared for a fun ride.
Lizzy liked riding the motorcycle.
Logan really liked the four wheeler, and in this picture he is riding with his cousin Morgan.
James was shocked when I told him I had never driven a tractor before. I've spent many hours riding in one with him while he drove them, but I never did any actual driving. James quickly remedied that problem. So, if you can't tell, that's me driving it.
This was Logan's turn on the motorcycle. He wasn't so thrilled with it.
It was hard to reach the handle bars with both kids in front of me, but the kids had fun.
And this last picture pretty much highlights our drive home.
We had a lot of fun. I didn't even get any pictures from when we went on the boat and went tubing. That was A LOT of fun! We'll be going back in August, so maybe I'll remember to take pictures, while on the boat, next time.